“I picture myself downing in my wine glass.”
I realized you deserve an apology for my absence but sometimes paths are only big enough for one journey at a time. Ive never been in this space before so excuse me if my words come out raw.
The balance between realms is trickier than a tight rope. I find myself running towards adult-hood while white-knuckling my childhood . This coming fall will be the first fall I don’t outwardly express my lack of knowledge by registering for a class in 17 years and I’m not quite sure what will come of me. Ive head some call it post-graduate depression but I find it being more complex. I’ve actively been search for my purpose, my new identity, and a new end goal; all easier said than done. Looking to grasp a new sense of self I’ve been holding on to a select few people in my life closer the ever and almost alienating the rest (my sister and my Kelly have been so understanding of my clinginess) making sure everything doesn’t change at once. I currently have no clue where ill be in 30 days and that thought alone has kept me up many a night. I have always found solace in structure and truth be told I have no clue what I’m doing next week, or even tomorrow. Sometimes I call my friends to ask about their day so I could find comfort in the similarities of their yesterdays.
My anxiety won’t let me pack a single thing in my apartment until I am sure of where it will be unpacked. I was always the girl that wanted to move far away and sever ties with everybody I met because my college experience, quiet as its kept, was not the most joyous and positive. But now, crazy as it sounds I find myself wanting to get to know the bag girl at my local Publix or the cute carhop at my favorite Sonic, because I don’t know when ill get to see them again and we’ve created relationships. Will I remember all the good things from the past 6 years? How long will I have to suppress the bad before it disappears for good. Will I meet anybody where I’m going? Where am I going? Do I even have a say in a what next?
The saying I frequently hear related to this time is “Get ready world, hear I come” but what seems more fitting is: “Get ready little girl, Here The World Comes.”