Exhaustion, Heartbreak or Desperation: shaken, not stirred

Ive heard your best work is birthed into a state of exhaustion, heartbreak or desperation. well here goes nothing.

I tend to the wound so often that it never heals, a sticky substance secreting its face as the skin peels.

Im almost afraid to mention which number this is on cups of coffee this week and no more proud to say that I’ve gotten less than twelve hours of sleep in the past seven days. These past two years I have been searching for the skin underneath. Ya know, after a sun burn peels or a scab heels your able to see the beauty and the purity in the accident. Well I’ve been feverishly peeling the skin to find a wound that has yet to heel. Every time someone asks me about post-graduation plans I re-peel the skin prematurely. Where am I going? What am I doing next? Am I just going to “give up” and go back home? Well I’m asking myself those questions, and peeling back the scabs probably more often than I should.

During my chaperoning of an undergraduate trip to Washington D.C. this past week I was able to make some pretty important job connections and have some much needed fun with some special people in my life. But more than anything, I feel like I was able to sneak a peek into the future,  under the skin after it has heeled. My colleagues and I forced ourselves through the guilt of not working to go to dinner and a movie in Alexandria, Virginia where we were staying. We caught an Uber to a nearby theater and bought tickets to “Get Out”. Both of my colleagues are caucasian and I’m used to being the only WOC in my current social and academic circles. “Get Out” is about micro-agressions and racism rolled into a comedic horror film. Screen Shot 2017-03-04 at 8.27.09 PM.pngWe bought our tickets at an unusually fancy theater and went across the street for pizza. We came back 30 minutes before the movie was to start, as instructed, and got into a line to enter the theater. All the faces in the line resembled mine, not just African American but young, friendly and hopefully. Being an introvert, normally I would avoid eye contact with people I don’t know and try my best to blend into the crowd, this was not the case tonight. The energy inside the theater was infectious, the crowd all responded naturally to the movie and the feeling of being in a new city was replaced with the feeling of being at home on the couch with my best friends.

 

After the movie, which was amazing, all I could think about was making what I saw under the scab a reality and making the feeling I had last even longer. The next day we got the opportunity to visit a company that seemed like it was created for me. A inviting space to mix creativity and communication and view it through activism and problem solving lenses. I hope I mad an impact on the city and the company as it definitely healed me fro something I did not know from which I was suffering.  I don’t know  exactly where I’ll be in 3 months or what the masterpiece under the scab looks like but what I do know is there is a space for me somewhere and its worth waiting for the wound to heal.

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